Frankenstein’s Monster-Women

Posted: 09/07/2011 in Uncategorized

Posting this story straight to my blog because it’s the most self-indulgent, self-referential piece of crap I’ve ever written and I need to put it somewhere before I sober up. What an infuriating evening.


A scientist wanted to practice fighting so he made a monster-woman. She wore teal spandex and had huge muscles and so much hair that it wasn’t even worth looking at. He made her out of wolves. It was kind of overkill. He was puny and didn’t have any weapons. He could have just taken karate classes or something, even though he was a scientist and didn’t need to fight. He just always fucked up when it came to artificial life-forms. He was thinking maybe this wasn’t such a good idea when his girlfriend from high school ran in and said she was still in love with him but she wanted to be a pirate and was that okay? They had sex. He came right on her eyeball and she had to get an eyepatch. So apparently it was okay.

Meanwhile the monster-woman was getting bored. She tried getting a dog but it got weird when one of the wolves she was made of started dating the dog. They broke up. It was super-traumatic because the dog and the wolf had taken each other’s virginity. She solved it by pointing out that the nature of this exchange made so they were both where they had started, with one virginity. The dog and the wolf were both girls. The monster-woman was actually very smart. She hadn’t asked to be born a super-strong monster-woman. What she really wanted was to become a professor of archeology at UC Berkley. She got her PhD on a full scholarship. But she still hated the scientist so she butt-fucked him and he died.

His pirate-wife (they got married somewhere in there) was super-pissed. To cope with the stress, she threw herself into her work, pirating every ship that crossed her path. One time she accidentally attacked another pirate ship, and when I say ship I mean it was actually a house and the pirates wore no pants. They had a satyr who wore all of their pants for them, one pair on top of another, and the pirate-wife was like whoa. The pirate house butt-fucked the pirate ship and it sank, but they let the pirate-wife join because god damn it, there was a monster-woman out there killing scientists and if there’s one thing pirates love as much as they hate pants, it’s scientists.

The house sailed all over the world, listening to music such as Baba Brinkman and They Might Be Giants. They never found the monster-woman because she was doing archeology on the moon, but they had some times. Some of them ended up going to college. One of them got a house with two heterosexual men, a novelty. One of them died.

Eventually it was down to just the pirate-wife and the satyr. The satyr was naked. The other pirates had all asked for their pants back when they went their separate ways. The pirate-wife had never given him her pants. He asked if he could have them and she said okay. Unfortunately they did this in Alabama, which meant they were married. They had to scuttle the house and get an apartment. It sucked. They weren’t in love. To solve the problem, the pirate-wife butt-fucked the satyr and he died. She really enjoyed it. She said, “I could get used to this.” She went to the moon and married the monster-woman instead. Together they butt-fucked the moon and it exploded.



Speaking of Frankenstein, Schlock Magazine is heading into their Gothic issue and you should totally check it out.


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