RIP Joanna Russ

Posted: 05/10/2011 in Uncategorized

Well, that was a good 44 hours.

The ADD Film Fest didn’t happen. Yet. Possibly at all. I don’t fuckin’ know. We learned about it at 1 a.m. on the day of, only because I and director Ben were still awake for the crazy pirate girl with the tigers‘ going away party. At that point there wasn’t much information available, and we weren’t even sure if we thought this was, like, a real thing. Not knowing if I was still going to have to drive to Cleveland the next morning, the only logical response to the situation was to start drinking again, thereby making it once more impossible to ride home.

6 a.m. rolled around and the terror came back. Or the demon. The ghost. I don’t know what to call it. Faceless. Vertigo. Never. I haven’t seen it in a long time, never had an encounter this severe since before I was born. By ‘this severe’ I mean that it had physical manifestations for me even while I was awake. I couldn’t close my eyes because I was sure that doing so would make something in the dark able to see me. Irrational? Yeah. Hey, it’s me. I was instantly sober, though, so I went home and did that thing like Doctor Who where he didn’t want to eat any of the food that the little girl gave him until he got something really strange.

Around noon I started calling the film folks who were going to Cleveland to let them know that we had to still do something, and also my fight-or-flight response seemed to be permanently switched on so if my responses to things seemed to be neutral or negative that was just the adrenaline talking and everything was actually cool. After looking at a mutant plant in Ben’s yard that bears strange mutant beans every year, the lot of us went around doing free comic book day shit. We spent long enough in the store that my attitude went from this is such consumerist bullshit to I’ll take anything with samurai in it and back to the first one again. Nevertheless I left with this comic book where it’s kind of like Dracula is a samurai or something. It was called Throne of Blood. Never reuse the title of a great movie unless whatever you’re making is better, or unless whatever you’re making is some kind of bizarro dada weird thing. This might possibly have been the latter.

We ate food and happened to see something on the corporate-ass TV news about videos of Osama Bin Laden watching himself on TV. Later, Bill Maher would gloat about how this proved Democrats are better than Republicans. When did my life become a snuff film?

By this time I had been awake for about 32 hours. We ended up watching Doctor Who all damn night and planning other showings and readings and whatnot. I didn’t even feel tired. “Let’s get some sleep,” someone said sometime after midnight. I said, “Are you kidding? I might never sleep again!” I felt great. Went to sleep anyway though.

When I woke up Joanna Russ was dead. And that one actually did make me stop for a second. Never had the pleasure of meeting her, but her books mean a lot to me. I thought later I might drink wine and put on some ridiculous costume and read from The Female Man and put it on Youtube, but within an hour I didn’t feel that strong about it anymore. Death doesn’t make me sad. Never has. I hear that’s strange. Just don’t see as it’s anything to be sad about. But it’s nothing to gloat about either, though.

Ain’t gonna be sleepin’ much this week, I don’t think. Lately I feel like I’ve attained a kind of synthesis, like all my personae are coming together until I’m almost one person. But I still don’t really understand what that means.

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